The young n restless junkie

school begins again.. which means my writing should pick up as well..

I have some interesting classes that i hopefully will make the most of this quarter.. hmmmm

if nothing else hopefully the creativity and money continue to roll

I cant wait for this year to begin..

I’m ready…

i cry because I’m at a loss for words
my soul hurts for your baby
that’s now my god daughter
you’re so young and have so much I’m scared you might not get the chance to learn

i cry because I’m speechless
my soul hurts for me…you left me so early and im not ready to be an adult
i still need you to tell me that everything that will be, will be…
that everything happens for a reason…
and that I’m not ever ordinary

i cry because I’m at a loss for words
my soul hurts for our friendship that was once so close I’d call you crying all the time and you’d just listen because you knew I’d make the right decision eventually.

I cry because I’m speechless
My soul hurts for what’s to come
Im not sure what you’re in my life for but I know its for the good.

I cry because I’m at a loss for words
My soul hurts for what was
Its not gone… just put aside while we grow.
I miss you but you’re where you are for a reason… please believe in yourself don’t worry you’re still a geek…although you should know I’m here if you’re ever in need.

I cry because I’m speechless
My soul hurts for yours
I know you’ve been cut deeply
I don’t need to know the story but know you can find comfort in me if you ever need it.. my ears are open.

I cry because I’m at a loss for words
My soul hurts for you all
My friends who’s hearts have or will have hurt for whatever reason.
I care for everyone I allow in my life and I want you all to never doubt that I’m here.

From my heart to yours
Maybe some of us should think less and feel more.

We cant even sit and talk no more
…you’re the one that started it.

Today is Tuesday and work was grueling
Dinner isn’t ready because the fridge is empty
My only thought is a shower and as I take off my shirt I notice a red stain of anger.
I look in the mirror and see a reflection of him in the doorway.
“you take things personal now a days… you used to laugh, now you get mad …damn”
Tears begin to fall…
Arguments are daily, we can’t even sit and talk no more…
 “you’re the one that started it.”

but just when i believe it all falls down …
he looks at me funny. That look that swarms my mind with thoughts of love hate and passion all at the same time.

After catching my breath, I think, not sweat but  passion is what bleeds from his pores and when we make love, I make sure I’m close to soak it up.as he soaks up the tears that again fall from my eyes
 …he gives me that passion that I crave…
“I quit, I have to work in the morning…”
“but you’re the one that started it…”

A whole night of this drug to fill this addiction lasts until the next time we argue.
In the morning I whisper in his ear… “you have me”

But again the story repeats itself
Yet it dawns on me
Nothing else is guaranteed
…but him

“Promise you’ll always love me” I say
but he replies with a reality
He has no choice… He will always love me

As much as we hate it, we’ll always love one another…and then I think back a few years, to when I was young…I shake my head and mumble… “he’s right, I am the one that started it… “

2nd story that i’ve ever attempted to write

COMPLETELY FICTION….

i hate that things affect me so deeply. Everything has an effect on me its actually pretty annoying.

A serious post seems to be needed sometime soon… i have a serious topic… but i dont want to think about it enough to make it serious because it hit me pretty deeply…

I probably made a bad decision this weekend.
I went back to the suburbs which only ended ugly.
As i talked about before i missed the types of people i find out there so i went back to get a dose of it.
Ran into an old love.
well my only.
Some misunderstandings occured and well.. it ended pretty ugly… as it did the last time we tried this.
unfortunetly ive been given the ability to know a lot of the answers to choices im given before acting upon them. Therefore, I know what is right and wrong…yet i havent mastered the aspect of doing the RIGHT thing. i KNEW it could quite possibly be a bad idea to even contact something i left behind for a reason but i had to go forth with it anyway.

UGHHHHH

I didnt want to wake up today knowing id have to think about what happened last night… but here i am writing about it.

I wont dwell upon it though.. i would just hope i can relieve myself of these thoughts after the last sentence in my post.

I could use a hobby at a time like this.
Anyone know of any good books i could pick up?

ugh.. im only going to ramble if i continue..
so ill end here

I miss you california

California has been “much”….

i shall be home soon… wednesday to be exact

Hopefully with some more inspiration to blog

I’ve been busy.. partying while learning lessons about my character… not the best combo but i’m with the best people i could be with to go through this besides my roomie …. who i miss dearly…

I think i’ve made a connection with some of the realist people in california…
…. My friends have went more than out of their way for me… ME…. and i have nothing but love for them.

I found chicago is not the place to find TRUE people.. and i’m NOT saying California is..whether i stay in chicago or not..im glad to say i stepped outside the box to connect with other people in other places and held on to those friendships… which turned out to be the best thing for me right now..
This was a break i have been craving
Thanks for feeding me  Cali
and again
Thank you few..you’re always welcome in chicago with me

I love you guys

To my small fam in chicago.. i could use another dinner soon…moets on me this time..thanks mom..thanks dad
hahahahha

Be home in a few more days…

I recently realized Common is ..cute?is that sick?
I love that.. “its your world”
.. “She still wanna see California but its her world”

Yea .. finally told my sister that im goin there… “you found a ticket for 200? God bless you”
haha o my family…
I’m 98% sure i’ll be at columbia next semester… please dont call me a free spirit.. im hoping thats not what i am.

But i will find whats meant for me.. even if it does mean moving to CA.. like i said before … it will all pan out…
And i might even persuade another blogger.. with a free spirit to come with me cuz they deserve better.

Anyway moving on…
when i’m on the train everyday.. i usually pull out my notebook and record either the crazy or interesting things i come across on the way..
The other day.. i encountered something really awesome.
This young boy, maybe 12,  got on the train with a man. When he sat down, i realized the boy was blind and the man with him was his coach (lack of a better word). It was amazing honestly. I wish i could hear all they were saying.. The boy was like “The train is too crowded” How did he know that!? ahh.. like there were people in every seat… but silent.. so how did he hear or feel them there?
He knew the train was coming going southbound and more…
I wish i knew him really. Someone like that can really teach you something about your own life.. more than that avg “i value my sight” type thing. I need to find more people like that…That experienced things i’ve never.. that can teach me about life through their eyes. I have a friend now who i totally feel like he’s seen what life REALLY is.. he doesnt understand how much power he has to make something of himself with that quality. His childhod wasnt all that great and therefore we connect on many of our beliefs and views yet he’s far more exposed to things then i am in some light. Maybe it’s the social worker in me.

I need some new music .. someone help me…

Today some crazy man tried to talk to me while iwas getting off the train..
“hi.. you’re really pretty… my name is ____” ( i wasnt listening)
he stuck out his hand…
i didnt shake it
“I was wondering if myae i could get your number, i’ve always been an honest man never done drugs, always knew what I wanted you know.. most ment dont know what they want….”
blah blah
Craziness.. maybe you had to see him to understand the comedy in this..
I thought he was homeless

I’m an awful person
hmmphhh

A classmate told me today that I was the girl that other girls wanted to be.. Anybody reading this …relax… i’m the last one to call conceited which is why i looked at her like she was crazy…
If only people knew…
I think im lucky to have some superficial things that money has got me esp at such a young age.. yet if only you knew i’d trade it in for the love you get from your mother.

I’ll end with that

Back to finishing my 8 pg Philosophy paper..
8 pages of.. how the Declaraton can be applied to The letter from Birmingham Jail..
is there REALLY that much to say?

I shouldn’t be blogging this early .. but I am.

I was just having a conversation with an awesome person who summed up my life for me.

All I want is to be happy.

Simply that’s what guides all my actions and my reactions to the consequences. I was unhappy with my living situations in high school so I moved. But when I moved I still wasn’t very happy so I was never home. I knew I wouldn’t be happy in the dorms and then finding a place to go when I was on break, so I got an apt.

So then he raises the next question. “would you still go to school if you knew that you’d be happy in the future?”

  … Fuck no.. I wouldn’t…

I almost feel like I might be one of those free-spirited people. But I’m not … not quite yet.. I still stress way too much for that along a large set of boundries and morals to live by.

Im stressing about things cuz I’m infact, not quite happy yet.

School sucks as I’ve mentioned before and Columbia might be calling my name. But then again LA is looking pretty nice too. I sound all over the place.. and I probably am.

But we’ll see…

I just booked my tickets to go out there.. kinda spur of the moment.. but Cali was calling and I answered. I wanna leave Chicago. I think I’ve experienced everything there is to experience here, now would be the perfect time, while I’m not connected to anyone.

Am I selfish for this mindset?

  Hmmm I do sense some selfishness.. I think I do believe its all about me ultimetly when it comes to my happiness.. I make moves that will satisfy me.. not anyone else. Is this bad?

If you ask my sister.. she’ll probably say yes.

Sorry if so. But im pretty sure I was raised this way: Spoiled and since I’m on my own I must find happiness and spoil myself.. which I’ve been.

Happiness is a beautiful thing.. For me its right up there with Love and Passion

So I’ll passionately I’ll search for happiness till I reach it lovingly. 

-this realization is dedicated to another wishful thinker.

I should be doing my homework.. instead my brain is foggy with 2nd hand cig smoke and blog ideas. 

Do you ever think about past experiences and wonder how they have shaped who you are today?

I do .. a lot. 

But a lot of my possible life changing events happened not too long ago .. so I’m not sure I’m old enough to determine how it’s shaped me…but let me think.. i have an idea…

I used to live in Harrisburgh, PA .. on Samoset drive.. I went to South Side Elementary … now if I said I went to that South Side Elementarty in Chicago, you just might invision a very high minority rate… but at my school, in PA, was quite the opposite. I was the closest thing to a black girl in my whole class. So I can honestly say first grade was my first run in with acknowledging a difference between people.

My first grade teachers name was Ms Legg, and she was quite ignorant herself. She didn’t think I’d be able to read and spell so well…but eventually I was able to be one of the kids who could make up their own spelling tests since I knew the regular words already.

I think I might have just tried hard because my first crush, Patrick Avery, was smart too.

            Anyway, I looked forward to recess where I could go out and play with my best friends Brittany and Melanie.

One day, I went out with my hopes high on the fun id have, playing another game of “house” (my fav game as a child). So Me and Brittany were the moms and Eric, a black boy in my grade, and I’m blanking on the white boys name, were the sons. So I picked this little white boy to be my son, and Brittany responded with “you can’t pick him, you have to pick eric, cuz you both are black.”

            I was stunned at this comment and I KNEW it was wrong. I wonder how I knew… and I wonder why I was hurt… I remember going home and telling my mom what happened and she told me how in the future things like this would happen.

            I knew I was mixed and took pride in it early on… I was tan and my mom was… pasty.

She told me this would happen again sometime in my life because the world will see me as black.

Again I was told this by a man at my mothers job when I was in middle school, that again, the world will see me as black and I have to except that. I sure didn’t understand that at that point, because of course the world will see me as black, yet I was to realize that peoples views will effect their outlooks, view, chances, etc.

Today, race is something special to me. Race seems to really define many people, and I think its awesome that I was able to have a strong view into the world of two different races. I wish I was able to be seen for exactly who I am but don’t we all. These incidents have made me aware of race for so long. Not in a bad way but more so made me very accepting of who people are… even if they are ignorant to people different from them.  

So essentially.. id like to say I’m the most mixed person you’ve met…which seems to have developed as a part of me since as far back as 1st grade.